Riemer posted an update on LinkedIn yesterday with two photos that I took, and he properly gave credit: “Photos by my ex, Bianca Toeps.” First off, props for giving credit. But, uh, I think I need to explain a few things to you all.
You may have already read my earlier blog Jean-Jacques, where I linked to an even earlier blog in which I explained that Riemer and I have an open relationship. Well, had. That was my idea. My relationship with Riemer was always more of an intellectual one than a spicy one. After a few years, the spicy part had pretty much fizzled out—again, this was because of me—but we didn’t want to break up. I tried a few times, but we always came back to it super quickly. Because we were (are?) still BFFs who shared the same humor and interests, and that’s worth something too.
During the time we were together, Riemer was always incredibly focused on me. That has its good sides (he was never unwilling to drive to the other side of the country if I needed or wanted to go somewhere), but I also sometimes wondered where his own hobbies and interests were. For example, when Riemer moved in with me, he brought a keyboard and a collection of guitars, which I literally never saw him play. Had I been overstimulated by them? Maybe. But it’s also not okay when one person erases themselves like that.
Anyway, I moved into my own apartment, then briefly back because of the closed borders, but after that, I really packed up and moved to Japan. I quickly ran into loneliness and then found François (formerly known as Jean-Jacques). This relationship started as an open/friends-with-benefits arrangement but grew into what it is now. A few months ago, I semi-moved in with him, and sometimes we talk about getting married (because a spouse visa doesn’t need to be renewed as often, lol).
Back in the Netherlands, Riemer hit a rough patch. He also had to start thinking about his loneliness, his future, and his life. Finding hobbies, dating other people… During all that time, we still had the label “partner”. Sometimes I’d call him my ex or just “a friend,” like when talking to my Japanese teacher here. I don’t need to give a whole complicated explanation of my relationship status to this woman in her 50s. But now that Riemer was dating, the partner label was getting in the way. Colleagues asking, “How’s your girlfriend in Japan?!” were becoming harder to answer. “Actually, we’ve been more like exes for a while now,” we concluded during a FaceTime call recently. “Maybe we should update the title to fit the actual situation.”
I cried. I knew it was right, but suddenly I was scared. I had always been able to fall back on Riemer. Not that it was necessary all that often, but the idea was there. By ending the relationship status, it suddenly felt like someone had unscrewed the training wheels from my bike. Even though I can totally ride without training wheels. But still.
I could end this blog with a collection of photos of Riemer and me, but that would look like an in memoriam, and he’s not dead. Our friendship isn’t dead. Riemer is coming to Japan next week. That was, of course, already planned, but it should still be possible, and it’s going to be fun. I hope.
Related posts
Jean-Jacques
A few men in my book, not entirely coincidentally men with whom I once shared a bed, were given pseudonyms. I thought long and hard about these names and sometimes even consulted with the man in question, because the new name obviously had to exude the same vibe as the original. You’re not gonna replace William with Kevin, you understand.
Only love
I was always a little afraid in my current relationship. Not afraid of Riemer, no, certainly not. More afraid of losing him. And not because I thought he would cheat or anything, but because I was afraid that I would cheat. That I would fall in love with someone else. Something like that.
The apartment next door
Those who have read my new book know that, when I had just arrived in Japan and was still sleeping in my office, I wanted to rent the apartment right next door. It seemed so wonderful: a three-second commute, a shared internet connection, vacuum cleaner and pantry, and (after dismantling a partition) a very long balcony, so that I could even go “round the back” from home to office and vice versa. But alas, I just missed it, settling instead for an apartment on the other side of the building, and five floors up.
I like to move it, move it (the Japanese way)
Ever find yourself in this situation? You plan to move just a bed, so you contact a moving company, and before you know it, half your stuff is at your boyfriend’s place? That’s exactly what went down this Tuesday on moving day.
Two
Two big things are happening this week. One, the physical version of the English translation of my new book comes out tomorrow. The digital version came out last week, but because of Amazon’s annoying procedures, the paper edition had to wait another week. I also haven’t received an author’s copy or proof yet, because they don’t send those to Japan. Instead, I had Riemer look at it, and film it, and I made final adjustments based on that. For tomorrow’s festive photos, I just printed a color copy at the convenience store. 50 yen and some advanced origami magic, and it’s just like the real thing.
Exchanges
A few weeks before I flew back to the Netherlands, I was already not feeling very well. I was overworked, stressed, and a bit directionless after the publication of my new book, Deze autist ging naar Japan. I had just hired Olga, mostly because that would look good; a business manager who doesn’t manage anyone, of course the Japanese immigration bureau thinks that’s odd.
Japan’s most not-scary bridge
I have to admit something. I fell for clickbait. And not in a way that I clicked on a link and wasted three seconds of my life, no. I spent eight hours on a train yesterday, over an hour today, I spent 20 euros on a taxi and walked an hour for a… Disappointing bridge.